I find Thanksgiving daunting.
“You SERIOUSLY don’t like pie??” The questioning from my relatives (because pie is the end all be all). The shame I face because I simply don’t like butter-crusted jam.
Yes, it comes in every flavor imaginable, and maybe some of them are good. Maybe I’ve just “never had it made right”, or I’ll “like it when I’m older”, but here I am, in college, and I don’t. Like. Pie.
No one can convince me that I should like pie, it’s not open for debate with me. I don’t like my food to touch, and pie just feels like a monstrosity of touching.
The worst part about it is the crust. I just can’t get behind an original, floury, buttery, pie crust. Yes, you can make it look pretty with the designs, but the flavor is terrible. Every time.
Who had the idea to mush up a pumpkin and put it inside of a flour-butter mixture? Couldn’t carving it just have been enough? Pumpkin is inarguably the worst pie.
Pecan is the second worst — the pecan ratio isn’t nearly enough to match its sticky caramel counterpart. You might as well call it caramel pie if you’re not going to put near enough nuts to justify calling it pecan.
Key lime and lemon meringue are fine, but they’re sour. I’m not completely against sour desserts either — I love sour candy, it’s just weird when something milky is sour. This type of pie is a sort of thick pudding, and that just feels wrong to me.
Fruit pies are a whole other matter. I’m okay with those. I won’t eat them, but they feel more original. More natural. They’re the blueprint.
Cherry, apple, and peach pie make perfect sense. The berry ones though? Strawberry, blackberry, raspberry, blueberry, etc., must be too seedy for anyone to enjoy. I don’t want to eat dessert and feel like my teeth are cracking.
There are a few exceptions I can make: banana cream pie and chocolate pie, but only with graham cracker crust. I don’t love that it’s just glorified pudding, but if I’m going to eat pie, it may as well be those.
There are so many dessert options that are better than pie. Hear me out: ice cream, cookies, brownies, name it, and I’m sure it’s better.
Moose Tracks is my favorite ice cream. If you could make a pie out of that, I’d take it. But don’t use the gross flour butter crust. I don’t know what crust one would use for an ice cream pie, but if I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
There’s one thing I haven’t addressed and that is pies that aren’t dessert. There’s pot pie, shepherd’s pie, root vegetable tarts, etc. I’m okay with chicken pot pie, but I wouldn’t touch shepherd’s pie with a ten-foot pole.
Shepherd’s pie happens to be my little brother’s favorite meal. My stepdad makes it and tastefully named it “Yuck”. I can confirm, it’s earned its name. Way too much food mixed for me. An absolute no-go.
Long story short, please never present me with a pie. I will cry. They kind of scare me.
